Robbity Bo Bobbin

I am such a girl

2012-01-01T15:49:00.001-08:00

Funny how some things never change!

photo blog

2010-11-28T20:41:00.000-08:00

My new kitchenaid mixer arrived just in time for Thanksgiving

Tried a butterscotch fudge recipe for my Christmas party on Saturday. It turned out delicious!

Found some silly glasses at the relatives house that I just couldn't resist!

Sweet potato pie and French silk pie. Freshly whipped cream is the secret!

We had our first big snow of the season. This was taken the next morning before everything settled.

Attended the Carl Bloch exhibit now showing at BYU Museum of Art. This particular piece has always been a favorite of mine.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

2010-11-21T16:45:00.000-08:00

I wanted to get a picture of the backyard before all the snow fell and melted away. When I first stuck my head out the door, I didn't even notice the awesome sky and after attempting better shots, it was really the first shot that captured the beauty of the scene. It was a good day. I worked on Christmas projects, shoveled the over-sized driveway & sidewalk while my roommates weren't looking (I like to work when it surprises people instead of it being expected of me) and cooked up a batch of spatzle goulash. Now I'm just waiting for the cookie dough to thaw so I can bake up a batch of white chocolate macadamia cookies. (How could you resist your 5 year old niece calling you on the phone and asking you if you want to buy cookie dough? So adorable!) Sure do love that comfort food (in moderation of course!) I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving this week. I'm in charge of pie and will be making sweet potato & french silk. Normally I try out new recipes but this time I'm going with ones I've tried before because they are oh so delicious! The holidays this year are going to be wonderful!

blahs

2010-11-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

There is one thing in my life that always seems to be a constant. The case of the "blahs" as my mom would've called it. Maybe its because I'm not living up to my full potential. I'm just skating by in life. Living as if nothing really matters. Afraid to care too much because everything is a big disappointment. This week has been particularly stressful. Crazy stuff has been happening at work and now I have to find a new place to live in a couple of months. I don't enjoy being around people anymore. Groups of people mostly. I just want my own space where I can fix dinner in peace and know that the dishes will be where they should be. That I'll have somewhere to put my groceries. It would be nice to be able to sleep without people walking above my head. In a way the anxiety of it all is crippling and it makes me feel like not doing anything at all. I hide in my basement hole and don't come out until I have to. Not dealing with it is dealing with it. Your problems won't go away they just intensify. Being proactive was never my strong suit.

So many wasted capabilities. It feels too late to do anything about it. I don't feel like doing any of it. I just want to sit in my room and stare at a screen. Escape from this life that I've come to know. I can't get rid of it that way. Nothing to do. No one to be with. At the end of the day, I am alone.

paperback

2010-09-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

Why is it so easy for some people to get dates and so impossibly difficult for others? It is the main frustration of my life and I give up. It's too hard to get rejected time and time again. Just when I get my hopes up again, they are dashed to pieces when I realize I am still unwanted. I just want to hide in my room and never come out again.

Paul freakin' McCartney

2010-08-01T08:34:00.000-07:00

July 13, 2010. Rio Tinto Stadium. The concert totally rocked. Paul came to Utah for his first visit ever and I just had to go! I didn't care how much tickets cost. I didn't care that he started 45 mins late! Just sitting in the ambiance of the crowd was enjoyable. It was totally amazing and for pushing 70 he has excellent stamina as a performer! He knows his audience and really plays to them. We heard all my favorites, Let it Be, All My Lovin, Yesterday, Band on the Run, A Day in the Life, My Love, Hey Jude, Blackbird, Live and Let Die (complete with fireworks!) and many more! He played some stuff from his solo career that was good but it was mostly Beatles and Wings music. He sang for over two hours and didn't stop to take so much as a drink of water! Every song he switched guitars but the one that I noticed him playing the most was one shaped kinda like a large violin. He also did a cool version of "Something" on the ukulele.

My friend Syd came with me and we had seats on the field in the second section back. I'm so glad that we didn't get seats in the stadium because it was hard enough to see him from where we were. Plus, we didn't have the sun in our eyes when it was setting and the shade made for a comfortable temperature. There were 2 teenage boys sitting next to me that seemed too cool for school until a familiar Beatles tune was performed and then they seemed to enjoy themselves. Syd had a smelly 20 something guy sitting next to her and even I'd get a whiff when he raised his arms. During "Give Peace a Chance" while everyone else was singing the correct lyrics we sang, "Give deodorant a chance!" It was hilarious. He sang at least 2 or 3 encores which all ended too soon but I suppose the night couldn't last forever! I couldn't have had a better time!

What happened to New York?

2010-06-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

Since only like 2 1/2 people follow this blog, I guess I could use that as a reason for not finishing my NYC trip details. Lets just say it was an AMAZING trip filled with lots of sight seeing, walking and eating. The crazy awesome thing was that even after all that walking, I didn't get as tired as you'd expect from going all day long. Growing up in a small town most of my life, it was the busy-ness of the city which made me more tired.

A brief overview after day 1:
Guggenheim museum: weird non art, art
Central Park Zoo: very small and disappointing but didn't really have time for the much larger and more famed Bronx Zoo
Rockefeller Plaza: "Top of the Rock" provides very good views of the city, purchased purple tulips at a corner market (I've always wanted to do that)
Little Italy: Ate a delicious Italian meal for $8 a plate. You have so many places to choose from, keep walking till you find the cheap one!
Bodies museum: Glad to see it because I missed Bodyworlds when it was in town. So neat to see all the intricate details of the body
Authentic NY pizza in Brooklyn underneath the Brooklyn Bridge and delicious ice cream at Brooklyn Ice cream factory (well worth the trip outside of Manhattan!)
Chinatown on Canal street: so many cheap things to buy! Handbags, jewelry, pashminas, t-shirts and other random touristy crap. I didn't think that there were places in the US you could bargain with the sales people like you do in other countries but here on Canal street you can do so and get a pretty good deal. We found I heart NY T-shirts for only $2 if you purchase 10 at once. Never a better souvenir for the family and friends back home!
Times Square!
Central Park
Washington Square Park
Riding the subway

New York is amazing and has been my favorite to visit. So many wonderful things to do and see! I would go again in a heartbeat!

Strawberry JAM!!!

2010-06-19T15:47:00.001-07:00

A few pics from my strawberry jam making adventure. Unfortunately this batch was cooked too long and tasted more like fruit leather than jam. I made more at another time and it went much better. I love strawberries and couldn't resist taking pictures of the process. Oh I recommend crushing the strawberries between your fingers. Although it does stain them for a day or two it is quite pleasurable.

New York vacation day 1

2010-04-15T19:18:00.000-07:00

Our first stop was the American Museum of Natural History. It was amazing! There are four floors and it took us four hours to rush through it. I wished that I could've spent all day there but it was overwhelming at four hours. They had interesting displays on human origins as well as peoples from the main world cultures. Upstairs they had a decent collection of major dinosaurs. They also had a full size replica of a blue whale which made my mouth open wide in awe.
Our next stop was Madam Tussuad's wax museum. It was creepy to see "real" famous people. They also had a 4D movie of Sponge Bob Square Pants. We didn't even know it was 4D when we were waiting for it. During the 8 minute short we got spat on, poked in the back and all the normal 3D tricks. It was a funny experience For dinner we met up with Kristin's friend at a delicious Mexican restaurant on the corner of 1st Avenue and 21st street named Vamos. The guacamole was addictive and I would go out of my way again to eat it. The atmosphere was nice and relaxing and the server was nice. Our next stop was the Empire State building. We probably waited almost two hours before actually got to the top. The line was horrendous but the view spectacular and totally worth it. As you can see from the pictures, we went up at night. During the elevator ride up to the 86th floor our ears popped. I think that is the highest I've ever been in a building. It was pretty windy but very exciting to be on top of one the world's most famous buildings!

This view is looking south toward downtown Manhattan.

It was such a wonderfully exhausting day! Even riding the subway was fun. It was a challenge in itself to figure out how to get where we wanted to go. The lines go all sorts of directions and split off and it gets really confusing. By the end of the week I was doing much better and getting on trains without looking at my map each time. It takes a lot of focus to get it right and I was extremely grateful when I got back and hopped into my car to get to work.

One thing that I noticed was that if you pay with cash, people don't like to make change so they'll only charge you a whole dollar amount. Oh I almost forgot to mention! Our first night there, Kate took us to Chinatown for dinner. Canal street is the place to go for cheap souvenirs! From "I heart NY" T-shirts, handbags, jewelry and Pashminas they have what you need to get a good deal. Plus you can bargain with them so never settle for the first price that they give you! We went to Canal street nearly every day we were there. It is a fun bustling place.

You teach me many things.

2010-02-02T16:40:00.000-08:00

There are things I've been feeling lately but haven't been able to communicate into words. I feel deeply about many things and sometimes don't know how to interpret them. For nearly all of my adult life I have dealt with a great deal of loneliness. I hide behind feelings of crankiness when really I am fighting feelings of loneliness and get angry about everything around me because I have no control over what is really bothering me. I have found that lately I've become a really angry person. Angry at other drivers, angry at the guy at work who is bossy, angry at my roommate for making loud noises in the shower when I'm trying to sleep, angry because the "system" has failed me and I'm still single, angry because I want to be married so desperately but don't know what is so great about it that I'd want to be married because it doesn't necessarily cure loneliness. Like everyone, I just need to feel loved. There are so many ways I've tried to combat the loneliness but not too many of them work. Eating my feelings has been the primary way of dealing with these emotions for the greater part of my life. Food will be there for you when no one else is. It also consumes you to the point where you cannot do anything else with your life because you're too fat to climb Mt. Timpanogos, no one wants to date you because you don't fit the ideal stereotype of a girl and you don't have enough confidence to go out and find a satisfying career because you have no ambition.

I need the reassurance that even though I do and say crazy things, I will still have a true friend. Today I received that reassurance. In fact, that seems to be the most stable part of our friendship. What I really needed was a good friend to listen. This friend isn't necessarily what I want but really what I need. Someone to help me overcome my insecurities and to heal from the emotional pain of my past. No one ever before has influenced me as much as this friend. Since being friends, I have taken much better care of myself, have lost 35 lbs and intend to lose much more. My awareness of the world around me has grown. I take a much larger interest in doing so many various and wonderful things that are fascinating and curious. I want to learn and do more with my life. This friend has taught me so many things.

You teach me that I'm still a worthwhile person even though I am over dramatic
You teach me to not be afraid
You teach me how to be myself
You teach me that I have it within myself to accomplish great things
You teach me to be passionate about what I believe.
You teach me to how to love

Hardware Ranch

2010-01-23T18:43:00.001-08:00

We visited Hardware Ranch on Friday Jan. 22. This winter was quite mild so many of the elk are still lingering higher in the mountains to stay cool. The group of elk consisted of mostly cows and a few bulls. The visitor's center had a few fine specimens to identify including this taxidermy cougar. On the way through the canyon to the ranch we identified 2 bald eagles, 2 golden eagles and several deer. Always a fun day with my personal nature guide.

Fancy Fancy Fancy

2009-12-26T08:20:00.000-08:00

This has been a great month for me. It was a fun festive time. My big project this year was making candy for friends and family. I wanted to make the perfect fudge so I tried a half dozen recipes. First I attempted to make it the old fashioned way over the stove but it didn't turn out so well. The flavor was good but the texture was weird. Most of the fudge recipes I tried were a variation of "easy fudge" simply because I didn't have much time to slave over the stove. They all tasted pretty good. I think my favorite was when I mixed half chocolate chips and half white chocolate chips. I also made a completely white chocolate fudge which was for a friend at work who requested it. It turned out pretty good but next time I want to put crushed peppermint pieces in it. There are so many fun things you can put in fudge. Most of all, I like chopped pecans. I also made chocolate chocolate chip cookies, divinity and caramel.

What I have learned from this experience:

1. Don't try to cook too many things at once or in one day. Especially if you've never made any of the items before.

2. Candy isn't so hard to make if you have a candy thermometer and you check the temperature frequently.

3. Divinity is easy to make as long as you have a KitchenAid mixer. Delicious!

4. ALWAYS spray the container before you pour in the caramels to firm no matter what material you use.

5. Practice practice practice and always try again even if you have to wait a few days to let your frustrations cool.

The only candy I haven't tried making yet is Boston Cremes which are something my Dad grew up with his Dad making. I found out from my Aunt Kim that she was making them for a French class project and her Dad told her that if they didn't set up they could call them Riviera chews. Fortunately they did set up and kept their name as Boston Cremes. It is hard to describe what a Boston Creme is. Every time I've had them they turn out differently. They are a dark golden color and the consistency is much like a cross between caramel and fudge. Very delicious. Too bad I left my candy thermometer at my brothers house! I will have to make them another day.

Lake Powell day 4 and Capitol Reef

2009-11-23T16:53:00.001-08:00

Friday was a great relaxing way to end the fabulous week at Lake Powell. It was beautiful and sunny and perfect temperature. We took a short trip to the other side of Bullfrog Bay. Rick even let me drive his boat! He thought that I had driven it before because I was such a natural. Not hard to drive after having observed Uncle Gary drive all week long. We hiked up this beautiful sandstone formation in the "Navajo" layer and were able to see the exanse of Bullfrog Bay.

It was so warm that we decided to go swimming after lunch. The temperature probably didn't top over 85 degrees but the water was still fairly warm from the summer heat so it didn't take long to get used to. I was being chicken at first but when Anna jumped in and Aunt Kim said, "Are you going to let an old lady show you up?" I had to get in! It was so smooth and relaxing. We had found a small island with a sandy shore. It was very refreshing and the majority of the swimmers had to make a trip swimming/walking around the island. Random thing about swimming in a lake is that you can find small warm pockets here and there. It was a great way to end a fabulous time at Lake Powell!

The next day we packed up and cleaned. On the way back to SLC we stopped by Capitol Reef. I visited last year and remember it being so much more magnificent looking. Dad and I decided that it wasn't anything special compared to the grandeur of Lake Powell and the Glen Canyon. The pies at the farmstead near the visitor's center were just as delicious as remembered though! A must stop for anyone driving through the area.

What a marvelous opportunity to visit such a beautiful place on the earth. I love living in Utah, being so close to so many beautiful places!

Lake Powell day 2 & 3

2009-10-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

Wednesday we took a shorter boat ride to Annie's Canyon. The canyon walls were so high they swept over our heads like a giant covering. The water was so still and smooth. I can't remember where the above picture was taken but it captures more of the feeling of being out on the lake.Thursday was our biggest day. We got up early so we could make a full day of it and travel all the way down to Rainbow Bridge national monument. We made a few stops along the way. Heading up Escalante canyon we made our way through clear creek canyon Davis gulch

Up Davis gulch was this really amazing looking "eye" called Lagorce arch.

Next stop was Hole in the rock where Mormon pioneers drilled out a hole to bring wagons and animals through the canyon. Looking at what was left of the hole makes me respect those people who do such crazy stuff.
Annie's Fannie : )

My favorite was the stop at Rainbow Bridge National Monument. I thought that it would be hilarious to get this shot. We also met an inebriated forest ranger named Chuck Smith. He was telling me how the canyons were formed millions of years ago. He even had pictures of dinosaur renderings and landslides. Before we headed back to Bullfrog marina we went up to Dangling Rope to refuel. After we got back Grandpa told us a story about those in the boat that fueled next to us. First of all lets paint a picture about what they looked like. White trash of the lake, the obese woman was wearing a tube top bathing suit and the man was wearing cutoff shorts that should've been cutoff a long time ago and replaced with an actual bathing suit. The navajo boy who was fueling everybody got a sight no one should ever see. The obese woman leaned over and out popped her bosoms. According to Grandfather the navajo boy high tailed it out of there as fast as he could. I wish that I could retell it like him because the way he told it was hilarious!

Token foot shot

Favorite Grandpa quote as retold by Aunt Connie: "Those people who think they know everything are annoying those of us that do."

Lake Powell Day 1

2009-10-25T19:27:00.000-07:00

The players:

Conrad Willis-Grandpa

Anna Eddington-Step Grandma

Rick Eddington-Anna's son

Suzanne Richards-Anna's niece

Jared Eddington-Anna's Grandson

Gary Clark-uncle

Kim Clark-aunt

Geoff Meyers-uncle

Connie Meyers-aunt

Matthew Meyers-cousin (11)

Norman Willis-Dad

Robin Willis-Me!

Here is the first installment about my trip to Lake Powell. Lets just say that it was amazing! The first day I drove down with my dad and we stopped at Goblin Valley on the way down. It is so unique looking that many films have been made here. You truly seem as if you're on another planet.

When we got down to Bullfrog Marina we met up with the rest of my relatives. Anna has a timeshare on the houseboat in which we stayed. Our generator wasn't working so we stayed hooked up to shore power the whole week. Luckily we had a small day boat to take our daily adventures.

Tuesday we started out by going on a short ride heading more north up Glen Canyon. We passed through Moki Canyon and Forgotten Canyon. It was so humbling to see such marvelous landscapes and amazing canyon walls. It makes you feel so small viewing something so magnificent and large. A majesty too difficult to describe. It was up Forgotten Canyon that we hiked up to some restored ruins called Defiance house. It was a pretty steep hike but short. This was also where I found a giant mound of sandstone that was covered in lizards. I tried to catch one but I am much too slow. Wearing my chacos on this hike was hazardous because there were so many pokey weeds that got into my feet. I was never able to get two of them out and still feel one of them in my foot if I step a certain way. Weird. Glad that it isn't infected though. On the way out of Forgotten Canyon we stopped at the floating restroom.

That night I made Hawaiian haystacks for dinner. They were a hit. Such a good thing to bring because it was mostly all canned foods so we didn't have to use a really big cooler. I'm going to keep that in mind for something different at a camp out sometime.

Rick was the one that brought down the small day boat. He's also a aficionado of star gazing so we were able to see Jupiter and 2 moons through his telescope that night. Anna kept calling it a microscope. It was funny and I kinda made a joke about it with Suzanne (Anna's niece)

I was also to start reading Jane Austen's Mansfield Park. Which reminds me I still need to finish that!

What do you want on your tombstone?

2009-09-13T21:56:00.000-07:00

Recently I took a much needed vacation to Arizona. I have a friend who lives in Phoenix and decided to go visit. We drove down to southern Arizona and spent some time in Tombstone and Tucson. I had such a fabulous time, it was sad to fly back home so soon.

The vacation began on Sept. 4th. I flew into the Phoenix airport and we went to eat at a local Mexican restaurant called Frank & Lupe's. I ordered the enchiladas with mole sauce. It was a party in my mouth. Delicious! The bonus feature was the fact that our meal came with sopapillas. We drenched them in honey. After dinner we wandered around some local shops there in Scottsdale. Unfortunately, though it was still fairly early (before eight) most of the shops were already closed for the day. I'm not used to being in a place where the tourist season is during the winter which is when, I suppose, the shops would be open later.

The next morning we got up bright and early and drove down to Tombstone to make it to our jeep tour. The tour was awesome. Our tour guide's name was Mark and instead of being 3 1/2 hrs it ended up being around 6! He was so chill and full of lots of interesting information. He told us we could spend as much time as we wanted because he didn't have any other commitments for the day. Our first stop was at a rattlesnake craft shop in the middle of the desert. Mostly it was a junkyard museum for stuff that this couple who lives there has collected over the years. They started making souvenirs out of rattlesnake skin and it became a gift shop. We also met a couple of friendly horses that were all too pleased to come say hi. I found it interesting that they were just roaming free with no fence to keep them in.

On the jeep tour we visited three different ghost towns: Gleeson, Cortland & Pearce. Most towns in Cochise County were begun as mining towns but were abandoned as all the mines eventually flooded. I was surprised to find out that though it is a desert, the water table in the area is really high so it didn't take long before mining was no longer an option because it is too expensive to pump the water out. At its peak, Tombstone had over 20,000 people living there and I believe the only reason people still live there is because it was immortalized by the historic shootout at the OK Corral. We also learned about Cochise & the Apache Indians, Geronimo, the cowboys, miners & the interactions between all these groups. It made for some interesting history as the different cultures didn't always get along.

After our tour we wandered around Allen Street in Tombstone.

We happened to come on a weekend where there was a special event going on so there were extra costumes and gunfights. We were able to see some historic gun reenactments, a costume parade and several fascinating gift shops. The locals were also genuinely nice and very helpful.

We also saw the world's largest rose bush. and a really awesome reptile exhibit.

The next day we visited Kartchner caverns. It was discovered on private property in the 1970's. Since its discovery it has been pretty well preserved and as a result it remains fairly well intact. You can still see the tracks through the mud of the original discoverers. We got to see some really amazing cave formations like cave bacon, soda straw stalactites and helactites. They were having a lighting problem so we were able to see a lot more than normal tours. The lights remained on instead of just illuminating while we passed through each area. We got to see a really good view of a calcite formation called Kubla Khan. Usually tours only get to see the back side and we got to see the whole thing which was amazing.

For our last night we drove up to Tucson and stayed in the Westward Look Resort.

We got a really good deal and only had to pay like a third of the normal price. It was so plush and we decided that next time we will have to plan a longer stay at the resort. The next morning we splurged and got massages. It was nice to be pampered. I was able to see some fun things just at the resort. Just walking between our room, the pool & spa I saw three different lizards. I also saw a small albino gecko on the wall in our bathroom. We wandered through the gardens and I got to see an orange tree, lemon tree & grapefruit tree. Not that amazing but I've never seen them before.

On our way back to Phoenix we stopped at a place called the Nut house. We bought some tasty treats for the road. We are already making out list for our next trip. I purchased a book about the haunted places in Tombstone so now after having read it, we want to go visit them. Maybe we'd just hop on one of the ghost tours. We also want to go back to the reptile exhibit because he now has a Gila monster permit and would probably have an animal by then. Tucson has a really cool desert museum and there's another town called Bisbee that has a really interesting mining history as well. We may also go horseback riding and visit the Triple "T" Ranch.

Now I know who my real friends are

2009-08-08T14:45:00.001-07:00

Being in recovery gives you plenty of time to think about life. Maybe too much time. I have had a lot of support from friends and family and that has been good. My personality doesn't allow for much time to sit around and do nothing so this has been quite the challenge for me. I felt like my mother the day after surgery because I felt so good I was cleaning and baking. I was so exhausted afterwards that I decided that maybe it wasn't such a good idea and haven't put forth such effort since.

This morning I purposely didn't take my pain killers just so I could drive and get out of the house. I wasn't gone long and as much as Walmart and the library are a big adventure, I had to come home to rest. My afternoon nap was much needed and I feel better. I wish that I was more motivated to pick up half finished projects that I have started like my quilt or crocheting. Maybe given another day to go crazy with boredom will be motivation enough. Luckily I was able to get out with one of my roommates to go watch a movie last night. I enjoyed it but it was too much sensory overload for my little brain on drugs.

The problem is that these pain killers make me emotionally numb as well. I just don't care and as strange as it sounds am content to just stare at nothing in particular for several minutes. Waking up from naps can prove to be difficult as well. This was the second time this week where I kept thinking that I had woken up several times before I actually got up. Today I had imagined myself getting up to float a cucumber down a stream into a pool. This was probably due to the fact that my window was open and I could hear the waterfall/stream from the backyard. Sounds like I'm getting more stupid every day and hopefully I'll be able to get off the pain pills soon before I'm a complete neanderthal.

laparoscopic cholecystectomy

2009-08-05T12:38:00.000-07:00

Just a fancy word for getting your gall bladder removed. I have written down as many details as I can remember so if you have a weak stomach consider this your forewarning.

My roommate dropped me off at Alta View Hospital at approximately 6:30 am. After checking in the nurse called me back and took my vitals which included taking my blood pressure, checking my weight and taking a little sample tube of blood from my arm. She then ushered me to a patient room where I could change into the lovely open backed hospital gown. After laying down on the bed waiting for the orderly to come get me, I tried to relax and not think about what was about to happen to me. All too soon the orderly came and wheeled me into the hallway next to the room I would have the surgery and left me there. It was a little uncomfortable just lying on this bed with people walking by, not knowing exactly when the anesthesiologist was going to come talk to me.

I saw my doctor arrive and he chatted with me for a couple of minutes before he had to change for the surgery. After speaking with the anesthesiologist they wheeled me into the operating room and I moved over to a narrow operating table covered with a green sheet. The anesthesiologist put an IV into a vein on the underside of my left wrist. The nurse was asking me about my hobbies and then my head became heavy after the "fuzzy" medicine was administered. They placed an oxygen mask over my mouth and nose and I was gone after about 30 seconds.

As I began coming around I could hear the nurses talking. One asked me my pain level but being still groggy from the medicine, I was unable to do much more than hold up 2 fingers. I really couldn't feel much but did feel a little bit of pain. They stuck oxygen tubes on my nose and told me I needed to breath. It seemed stranged to me because I thought I was breathing so I tried to take deep breaths. Soon enough they wheeled me into a recovery room and I remember passing by a clock and seeing that it was 9:30 at this point. I could tell I had been transferred to a wheeled bed. My throat was extremely dry and was hoping for water or ice. Luckily the nurse asked me if I wanted some ice chips because I was still unable to talk. She handed me a cup with ice and a spoon but I just sat there holding it in my hand because I couldn't move my arm. When she came back she helped me by putting some in my mouth. Slowly I began to be able to move again and talk. I told the nurse I was a bit nauseous so she said she put some more nausea meds in my IV. I asked for some soda crackers but they didn't taste very good so I only ate one. I was also grateful when they finally took me off the oxygen because I remember it not smelling so great.

It really helped when my friend Brianna came because it got my mind more active because I had someone I knew to talk with. The poor thing though had to witness me throwing up all over myself. It was amazing how far you can actually get vomit to go. It was all yellow and watery and I think that from my half sitting up position, I reached all the way to my feet. I asked her to go get the nurse and they came quick as a flash and had my blankets and gown changed in probably 60 seconds. I did feel a little better after that but it was at this point I realized how scratchy and dry my throat felt. I avoided the crackers and just crunched some more ice and sipped on some water.

After I was feeling a little bit better they brought me my stuff and I had to get dressed. Let me tell you it is a bad idea to wear jeans and t-shirt when you go to get surgery. I didn't even worry about putting my bra back on. After I got dressed I had to quickly sit down again and puked a little more into the blanket. I remember trying to avoid getting in on my clothes and was only mostly successful. They came back later with a wheelchair and as we waited for my friend to pull up the car, I attempted to make small chat with the girl who had pushed my wheelchair. She didn't seem very happy and I was probably annoying her saying really stupid things.

Luckily I have been able to control the pain. I just hated being nauseous all day from the anesthesia. Throughout the rest of that day I couldn't help but think about how much I was like my mother. She was always saying funny stuff and making small chit chat during her illness. I also just thought of those last days when she couldn't speak but was able to suck on a sponge soaked in water. I really hated it that people were planning her funeral arrangements while being in the room. I knew that she could still hear even though she couldn't speak. When I was coming off of the anesthesia I could hear everything being said around me I just couldn't speak yet or move. This whole experience makes me miss her so much and wish she could still be around!

I miss you

2009-07-12T20:37:00.000-07:00

I miss you. I wish you would call me so I could breathe again. So many things remind me of you and I wish that they didn't so I could just forget about you. Simply because forgetting about you would make it easier to cope with this anxiety and loneliness. I wouldn't have to send you messages in hopes that maybe you will respond. I would be able to enjoy my time with others and not think about how you would know the answer to certain queries.

I miss you so much that I risk being shot down time and time again just on the rare chance that you might possibly take me up on my offer. Why do I put myself through such pain? Why can't I just let you go? I fear that if I do I may never see you again. That thought alone makes me feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I just need to hear from you on occasion to know that we're still friends. That you still care just the tiniest bit.

I miss you. Why do you never contact me?

Scottish Festival

2009-06-14T13:53:00.000-07:00

Sheaf toss

Caber toss

Bagpipe band

Went to the Scottish festival yesterday at Thanksgiving Point with a friend from work. It was delightful. There were men flinging heavy objects, bagpipe bands, dancers and delicious meat pies. Good fun was had by all especially when it began to rain and then started to pour. Thousands of people (so it seemed) were huddled under the pavilions. Felt like it really added to the whole Scottish ambiance. As soon as the rain slowed down a bit we ran for cover in a less crowded space. There were dozens of festive booths to enjoy and plenty of goods for sale. I don't like to buy stuff at fairs and festivals because though it seems like a good idea at the time I would wonder what the heck I'm going to do with a peasant costume after I get home and the novelty wears off. Halloween costume? Fun once but not worth the money. Memories are all I need.

June adventures

2009-06-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

Work and play have kept me very busy lately. It has been nice to have three day weekends to recuperate from my 10-12 hour shifts. I haven't done much relaxing though as I have found plenty of fun things to do with family and friends. Yesterday I went to the Oquirrh Mountain temple open house, Kennecott mine and Butterfield Canyon. I'd always wanted to see the largest open pit mine and it was even more spectacular than I could imagine. I was mesmerized just standing there looking at the grand scale of it all. I'm standing next to a tire of the haulers in the next picture which gives you an idea of how big these vehicles are. They can haul up to 320 tons of rock! We saw a regular sized truck drive next to one of these and it looked so puny!

We also moseyed on to Butterfield canyon which is on the south end of the Oquirrh Mountains. It is so beautiful yet so dangerous. The road was paved but extremely narrow with a steep cliff on one side. There were tons of sharp rocks strewn across the road in many places. One time I passed a hick in his beat up Ford pickup that swore at me because it was on a tight curve and I didn't want to slide down into the ravine. Once we got up to the saddle we parked and went for a stroll on a pathway to a nearby canyon. From there you can see Tooele on the other side of the mountain. The weather held out for us (we had run into a hail micro burst on the way up) and was absolutely perfect for hiking. There was a strong breeze that rustled through the trees and the sun shone on the aspens just right to make it so perfect and peaceful.

We tracked a couple of deer and found some young bucks hidden down below the trail. Though you can't seem them, they are in this lame attempt at a picture which is zoomed all the way in.

Amongst the few birds, we saw a beautiful Tanager which was fun because we'd also seen one on a mural in the temple. Unfortunately birds are too quick for me to get a picture so I found this one on the Internet to show you what it looks like. Very colorful and pretty.

I wanted to stay longer to just sit and listen to the wind rustle through the trees but alas all good things must come to an end and we had to head back out.
This summer has been so much fun and I can't wait for my next adventure. The most compelling thing of all is that there are so many places and things to discover here where I live in which I had no idea even existed. I love having a friend to open up the world to me with discoveries which have developed a whole new curiosity in me.

Tulip Festival

2009-04-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

This week I went to the Tulip Festival with a friend. It was beautiful and magnificent. There are so many colors and shapes which dazzle the senses. So many wonderful tulips to enjoy. I had never experienced tulips like this before. Seeing just a few tulips at the entrance wasn't enough to satisfy my tulip curiosity. I had already seen a few tulips and so I might as well see them all . When I first heard of the tulip festival I had imagined field after field full of tulips like you'd imagine to experience in Holland but instead there were mostly small groupings of tulips here and there. In the end this proved to be quite delightful anyway as the gardens were beautifully landscaped to reveal tulip surprises around every corner. Many of my tulip imaginations were indulged. The more tulips I saw the more I savored them, the more I wanted to see and experience everything the tulip festival had to offer. There were also other flowers to appreciate which enhanced the beauty of the tulips. I just couldn't get enough and didn't want to leave. Unfortunately though, even if I was able to stay, the tulips would not last long. The tulip festival must end as all too soon the petals wilt and there is nothing left to enjoy. The tulips remain dormant for another season. The gardener digs up the bulbs and sells them to anyone who will buy. No more tulip enjoyment for now. Perhaps I will never get a chance to visit this tulip festival again but then again maybe someday I'll get the chance to go to Holland which would completely inundate this tulip festival. For now I have only the pictures of memories to remind me of this experience. Beautiful wonderful tulips to look forward to viewing next season.

Despondency

2009-04-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of being alone and feeling as if life is passing me by. It seems to be an insurmountable obstacle that is impossible for me to overcome. I look at others my age who have become married and now have 2.5 + kids and I ponder the meaning of me being stuck in this age of nothingness. I don't fit in anywhere. I still sit at the kids table during large family gatherings. Do you realize how humiliating that is? I'm no longer college aged and I'm too old for the singles ward. Today I considered going back to the family ward and when I was forced to introduce myself in front of everybody I'd tell them I was there because I flunked out of the singles ward. It is embarrassing to admit that at my age. It would be my attempt to make a joke to try and help myself feel better about the situation but would just make me want to go home and cry myself to sleep.

There are two things that don't receive that I believe every girl needs. These are things that I need on a daily basis that are not fulfilling enough when they come from a mere acquaintance. I need to be held and I need someone to talk to about nothing and everything. These things must come from someone who is permanent for them to have a lasting effect. To be loved and cared for is all I ask. I would sacrifice anything to make him happy if it meant we could be together forever. I've tried using substitutes to fulfill these needs but it only leaves me feeling more empty inside when I cannot keep his attention that I am so desperate for. It seems there is nothing I can do and I feel helpless with this lack of control.

How do I find him when there are so many distractions? I would walk to the other side of the earth if I knew he was there waiting for me. This is how desperate I feel to gain his attention and affections. Where is my faith? Do I need some hard evidence to know that he is out there? He must be out there somewhere. This thought gives me hope but I struggle, waiting for my needs to be met. As the years pass and these needs remain unfulfilled what kind of lasting effect will this have on me? Thinking about how miserable I am without him must be juxtaposed with incomprehensible joy when I finally get to be with him. All will be right with the world no matter what trials we face. I will finally get the chance to love someone who loves me back. There is nothing else that I want more in this life. Nothing.

Vampire work

2009-04-09T16:27:00.001-07:00

Yes, I drive the bloodmobile. Its is fun. Well sorta. Its a job and I'm so grateful to have a job. Its pretty chill until it gets busy and then the time goes fast so there's a good trade off. Most of the people I work with are really nice and so I'm slowly making new friends. It's also good because I meet someone new each day. Slowly I will start seeing the same people again. I also like that we're in a different location every day and we have different start times so its not the same every day. I like variety. It is the spice of life so they say. Once I learn the ins and outs of the job it will be quiet easy. There is a lot of heavy lifting so that will be good to work my muscles. I've already gone to a variety of locations. My first draw that I observed last week was at BYU. I've also been to a church building in Lehi, USU campus in Logan, Clearfield & today we were at Paul Mitchell "the school" in Provo.

I haven't seen anyone pass out yet but there have been a few close calls. We try not to let it get to that point. We keep barf bags and ice packs on hand for that purpose. Snacks: Oreos, Lorna Doones (shortbread cookies), Fig Newtons, Cookies & Pretzels. Juice and water are our beverages. The bus itself is a Blue Bird. It's more different than any other bus I've driven before. First of all the engine is in the front which is weird to me because its so much louder. It's also in the way of me trying to get in and out of the driver's seat. The other strange thing is that there isn't any driver's AC. I have a fan oh yeah and can open the window to my left if I need to. This should be interesting in the heat of the summer. There are AC units on top of the bus though so those should be able to help. Luckily we don't drive very far very often. Those occasional trips to St. George should be interesting! The other thing that is different is that we use a generator to power everything on board during the draw. It can be a bit cramped inside when it is busy but isn't too bad when we only have a couple of people. Driving the bloodmobile is better because it's easier faster and easier to load & unload. Plus it doesn't require us to unload on location. There are other draws that I will drive a truck to that requires us to unload at the location and set up inside. It takes a lot more time to do this but does give me more time on the clock. It will be nice to have some days in the bloodmobile and other days in the truck.

long emo blog

2009-04-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since I've written my over-dramatic feelings about life and love. Truth be told not much has happened that would be worth dramatizing. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm deluded and am trying to make something out of nothing. It is too hard to let go so I haven't. I'm afraid of letting go because it means facing loneliness and despair which is funny because its not like I have much hope in a companionship now. A fake boyfriend is NOT better than no boyfriend at all no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise. It just leads to more frustration and jealousy. I fight for attention that is fleeting and conditional.

There is a worthy companion out there for me. He will respect me and always want to be with me. He will protect me, support me and treat me like a princess. He will allow me to truly be myself and will be completely honest with me. He will have great aspirations for our life together and understands what true sacrifice is. I will, in turn, give my life over to him. I will do everything in my power to please him. I will play the part of the perfect homemaker and bare children for him. I will support him in his dreams and help him to be a better person. We will have common goals and ideals. We will communicate about those things that are bothering each other. We will get each other through the hard times by remembering the good times.

There is so much to learn about marriage that can only be learned by being married. Because of this I cannot even fathom all the things that I want and need in a marriage partner. Its a little sad to be this dreamy eyed because I've been single for so long that it sometimes doesn't even seem like a possibility. Certain things have happened that have given me hope though. I have learned how to make things happen for myself and that is by putting the Lord first in my life. I went to the temple every other week for about six weeks. I was able to notice a tangible difference in my life because of it. I need to go again.

a frustrating roommate moved out
a cool new roommate moved in
my brother and his family decided to move to Utah
I got a full time job
I was able to get my car fixed for a really good deal
I received overtime back pay from a previous job
After sleeping on an air mattress for 7 months, I am a proud new owner of a bed!

Overall I've been more happy the past few months than I've been in a long time. Life is really good and I have no room to complain. My new job is looking promising too. It's not glamorous but it pays fairly well and I'll be getting tons of overtime. I'm hoping to pay off my debts within the year. Things are really looking up for me. I can feasible start planning my next travel adventure. This time its going to be Australia. I want to become scuba certified and go to the Great Barrier Reef. This trip will have to be (at the earliest) next year to give me time to save up as well as to pay off my current debts. I look forward to the time when I have someone to share all this joy and excitement with!

Fireside

2009-03-15T19:08:00.000-07:00

I had the privileged of going to a fireside tonight with the speaker being Sheri L Dew. I was on the 4th row! This is one of the many reasons I love living in Salt Lake. There are so many wonderful opportunities like this.

Her message was on making efforts to stay connected. How hard do we work to stay connected to our Heavenly Father? In today's world information is so plentiful and easy to obtain. How do we separate that which is true and that which is false? We must continually rely on the Holy Ghost to testify of truth.

She gave a list of those things that can help us from being disrupted from our goal of being connected to our Heavenly Father.

1.)Understand clearly who you are and your personal purpose here on earth.
We can do this by studying the scriptures and praying to our Heavenly Father. He is the only one who can tell us who we are and what our purpose is. D&C 138 Abraham 3 Once we know these things and are doing the things we promised we would do, we will never be happier. It will change our life.

2.)Obtain a personal witness of what the Savior did when he atoned & how he can heal you. He can heal the brokenhearted. Difficult circumstances will either make or break you. Learn how to draw upon the power of the Lord. You cannot do it alone. The following scriptures contain promises from the Savior and what he can do for us: Luke 4:18, Ether 12, Alma 7, Jacob 2 Immerse yourself in the scriptures. Learn for yourself.

3.)Learn how to receive personal revelation and how to discern it. Revelation is a different language. We must ask for His guidance and how to understand this language. D&C 42:61 We must also work harder to be more pure in our thoughts, actions, what we watch and even what we wear. STOP living beneath yourself. It takes a lot in this dirty world to stay clean. Satan will do anything to get you to pollute yourselves. It is impossible to survive without the Holy Ghost in our lives. Ask the Lord to teach you what it sounds like when He speaks to you and learn his language.

"Heavenly Father knew that when the world started to unravel that he wanted you here."

He can heal your heart and turn your weaknesses into strengths.

Field Trip

2009-03-06T14:38:00.000-08:00

I went to Antelope Island on Tuesday. It was marvelous! I always love going and experiencing nature. It helps that I had my own personal hiking/animal guide along. I'm so grateful he was there as I enjoyed the trip so much more than if I had gone alone. I would've stayed for an hour or two and maybe saw a couple of animals. I probably would've thought the island was boring and uneventful. I'm so happy that I got the opposite result because we ended up staying for nine hours and saw so many wonderful things. We were having so much fun that the time just flew by!

First of all, it was the most beautiful day. The sun was shining and the temperature was somewhere in the 50's. It was perfect for a day of sightseeing. When we first got there we hiked over some rocks to view Egg Island. We saw several types of birds, brine flies, a cottontail rabbit, fox tracks and even a buffalo wallow. We then wandered over to the visitor's center. On the way we saw our first few bison of the day as well as a couple of pronghorn (aka antelope).

We got some information on which is the best hike to take and then slowly moseyed our way down to Garr Ranch. I had brought some sandwich makings and we ate lunch before touring the ranch. The ranch has been there since 1848 and so there was a lot of interesting things to see and learn.

After the ranch we made our way over to the Frary peak trailhead. I was interested to see how well I would do on a hike as I've been working towards that goal at the gym. I was so proud of myself because I only had to stop to catch my breath on the more steep parts and only for a couple of minutes. I did much better than I would've if I had gone a couple of months ago and I was excited to be able to see a difference. The best part was being able to really enjoy the hike.

me enjoying the hike

I have always wanted to be able to go hiking with someone who stops to enjoy all the aspects of the hike instead of just marching to the top. He always stopped to talk to fellow hikers, view animals and scenery. He taught me some of his amazing tracking skills. It reminded me of Aragorn in Lord of the Rings. My guide is incredibly amazing at spotting animals. He can find them if they are but a mere speck on the landscape. On the way back we took a little side trail to check out another scenic overlook and stop for snacks and water. He went about fixing a fallen trail sign and ended up finding a black widow for his collection. My guide spotted a group of mule deer so we stopped to look at them. The animals were becoming more prevalent as it was nearing dusk and this is when they come down to feed.

The whole day I wanted to be the first person to spot something interesting. I was the one driving which made this difficult. On our way out of the park he spotted a bighorn sheep way up on the ridgeline so I pulled over the car and we whipped out our binoculars trying to look important to the cars passing by. It disappeared over the top so we couldn't see it anymore and he was slightly disappointed. I was scanning to see if there were any more and found a big group of bighorn to the left of the original one that we saw. It was pretty exciting because we didn't think we'd get to see any as we hadn't seen any all day. We also saw some more deer near the sheep. So in the end we were able to see the four major large mammels which inhabit the island: bison, pronghorn, mule deer and bighorn sheep. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and haven't had so much fun hiking in a long time. I can't wait to do some more this summer!

Elephant Head, White Rock Bay and Buffalo point

Overcoming "the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me"

2009-02-20T12:29:00.000-08:00

I truly believe everything happens for a reason. In institute this week, I learned to have courage in doing the right thing. There are so many examples in the scriptures. The stripling warriors were not afraid to fight for the cause of freedom. They were going up against an innumerable enemy. An enemy that should have been impossible to defeat yet these sons of the people of Ammon were preserved. Joseph Smith suffered opposition time after time after time. Yet he knew what he had to do. He knew that every experience in this life is for our good. He had courage to face his opposers. As a result, the gospel of Jesus Christ was restored and prospers in the world today. Abinidi is another example. He was not afraid of what man could do and was burned at the stake for testifying of his beliefs and prophesying. Not only did his prophecies come true but he was able to influence thousands for good through Alma. There are too many examples in the scriptures and other facets of history to recount.

My faith is strengthened when I remember my purpose here on earth. When I remember the promises that I have been given it strengthens me to keep doing what I know to be right. It is impossible for the Lord to bless me unless I am doing all that I can to fulfill the covenants that I have made. There are too many things that I depend on the Lord to provide that I cannot provide for myself. Whether it be in this life or the next, I have faith that I will receive blessings beyond measure. I will not make choices that will ruin my chances of inheriting all of these blessings. I once heard someone say that the world offers you a flute when the Lord offers the entire orchestra. I play the flute and always thought though it was beautiful, it was kind of a wimpy instrument. I need the strength of the entire orchestra.

A non-believer may ask how I can have faith and be so sure of my beliefs. He may ask what proof do you have that it is true? I have faith because when I internalize gospel truths I feel a sense of peace and joy. I recognize so many added blessings in my life when I keep the commandments. When I am tempted to do something that is against the truth (no matter how desirable it may seem) I feel anxious, captive and confused. Despair and desperation also take over when I am being influenced to believe something is true when it is false. When I finally overcome the temptation to believe in falsehoods the sense of peace is restored and I am strengthened to continue in the paths that will bring security, safety and freedom. Having faith can be difficult at times but once you begin to reap the fruits of faith there is nothing more desirable and precious. I have had a sample of this fruit and want to feast until there is no more hunger.

We must all come to that point where we want more out of life. I am here to testify that there is more to life than ephemeral living. True and lasting fulfillment comes not from seeking mere fun but from keeping the commandments. This is an eternal principle. I know that by doing what is right we can achieve pure joy. I have seen it in my own life and cannot deny it.

To sum up my feelings I recount those of Nephi. "And why should I yield to sin because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul?...Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation...O Lord, I have trusted in thee and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh." (2 Nephi 4: 27, 30, 34)

Honesty Session

2009-02-04T09:16:00.000-08:00

I hung out with you know who on Monday. It was a lot of fun. We had some really good chats. I love good chats. Since then I've done a lot of soul searching, still trying to figure out what I'm really feeling for him. I love that we can be be completely open and share everything. I've never been so honest with any other guy that I've liked before. I even fessed up to some things that I did which were somewhat childish (like driving past his house twice and smelling his scent from this apron he wore at my house). I enjoy doing silly things. For awhile now I've been trying to tell myself that he wasn't what I was looking for in a companion as there are certain qualities that I want that he doesn't currently possess but I had a difficult time really feeling it. I kept trying to convince myself that given time, he'd come around as he has such great potential. My brain and heart have had a hard time communicating with each other about what it was that I really wanted and why I really liked him.

After contemplating and pondering our honesty session I can finally be truly frank. What I like the most is the attention he gives me. That is somewhat fulfilling but it isn't enough. Now I know that I need more than that but now I am more confident than ever that I can find someone who can give me that. I need someone that needs me and loves me. Someone who would do anything to be there for me and would never do anything to hurt me. Someone who would sacrifice for me. I need commitment, faithfulness and someone who sees the big picture. Someone who is willing to do things he doesn't want to because he knows that by doing those things he can achieve the things that he does want. I can finally feel this desire for something more and finally I've had the breakthrough I've been wanting.

I am so grateful that he only wants to be friends. I am still strongly attracted to him physically and would probably not be able to resist temptation to do things I shouldn't if he were interested in a romantic relationship. Yet another eye opener to what I am really looking for. I'm very grateful for his friendship and hope to be able to continue being his friend because he has given me the confidence to do things I never thought I could do. After a conversation I had had with him back in December, I decided to really push myself to lose weight. Not for him but for me. There are so many things I want to accomplish in life and I've been wasting it. For some reason this was all I needed. Here it is a month and a half later and I've already lost 15 lbs! I love working out at the gym. I already feel like a stronger and healthier person. Even though I'm still obese, I'm really comfortable with my body and don't feel like a fat person anymore. I'm not afraid of being touched. I've never been one of those girls who couldn't look at herself in the mirror but now when I do I can envision a more slender and healthier me. For this, I will be forever indebted to him. Never before have I been so motivated. I really feel as if I can accomplish all of my dreams and it is completely empowering. I just wish there were something I could do for him in return that would help him to become a better person. He's got to want it though. If he were to desire it, I would do anything in my power to give it to him. I can now honestly say I would not do it because I have romantic feelings for him and wish for something more to develop. I've given up on that simply because I've been trying too hard to force something that isn't there. I would do it because everyone deserves to be happy. It would be so wonderful to be able to help someone who has helped me in a much deeper way than he intended. Here I go again with my sentimental aspirations to change the world! I may be naive with these idealistic desires as I may not have the ability to give him something much more than the shallow existence he's decided is the only thing that is real but that doesn't stop me from giving him this invitation to give back to him what he has given to me.

"I love to see the temple. I'm going there someday"

2009-01-31T12:08:00.000-08:00

I love being so close to so many temples and have gained a greater appreciation for them this week. On Tuesday I went to the Draper Temple open house. It is such a beautiful temple and I was so grateful for the chance to be able to see inside. I am excited to be able to go back and perform ordinances there. Even though it isn't dedicated yet, it still felt so peaceful and incredibly sacred. He had come with me and teased me when we were in the sealing room and I giggled. When he brought it up again later I said, "A girl can dream can't she?" There is nothing wrong with dreaming about what could be! Actually I had been thinking (though I didn't tell him) that it was probably the only time we'd be sitting in the sealing room together. I decided to go to the Jordan River temple the next day to do a session. I felt such a huge comfort and a sense of encouragement. I will never give up doing what I feel is the right thing to do no matter what people tell me and what doubts may enter my mind. I can listen to advice from a million people but the only person that I really need to listen to is Heavenly Father. He knows what is best for me. I always feel sick whenever I consider giving up on the whole situation but good when I decide not to give up on him and to keep being his friend. So for now that is what I'm going to do.

Things probably won't turn out the way I expect them to but this experience will definitely teach me many things. I find myself studying the scriptures in more depth. Instead of just reading a chapter a day like I've done my whole life, I've been flipping back and forth between verses and trying to find insights that I never considered before. I've also been keeping a scripture journal to write down thoughts I get while studying the scriptures. Another important thing is to go back and read what I've written so I can build upon those thoughts. I'm trying to do my best, to do everything I can and the Lord will take care of the rest. That thought alone makes me feel so invincible. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says. I'm looking for opportunities to allow miracles to happen. I have faith that anything is possible.

Beating a dead horse

2009-01-17T12:13:00.001-08:00

Remember that guy I always used to write about and abruptly stopped one day when I decided to be rash and send him the link to my blog? At that point I had compromised my blog and then it would seem awkward and weird to write about him when he could be reading it. I also found out that more friends and family are reading my blog than I thought. I was chatting with a friend and former roommate on facebook when I realized something. Why can't I write about it? This is my life. I'm not doing anything I'm ashamed of. I still need an outlet to my emotional hopes and dreams. Why be closed off and discrete when I'm an open book anyway. So I'm going to begin again to reveal what I've been going through.

Where to begin? I don't even remember where I left off. I like being his friend but we just never see each other that much. We hang out about once a month but converse through texts on a weekly basis. Not enough to develop a lasting friendship but somehow I cannot give up on him. I've tried. Last week we were going to do something but every time it seemed to fall through. At one point he was sick and then the next day I was busy. I just let it go at that and decided maybe it was just better to let him go. It takes so much effort to get together because we don't see each other in a common place such as school, work or church. Giving up should be easy in this instance because he is unable to give me all the things that I need. Why can't I stop thinking about him and let him go? There are many reasons.
1.)He is intelligent. I always liked that quality in guys because my dad is an intelligent man. He reminds me of my father in this regard because both will give a several minute answer to a scientific question. I really would love to witness a conversation between those two.
2.)There is never a dull moment when I am around him. Maybe I am just easily entertained but I never get bored of having him around. This may be because I don't see him that often but I won't be convinced unless I were to be around him more frequently. I really want to go on a road trip with him to test out this theory.
3.)He gives the best hugs and I have a strong physical attraction to him.
4.)He treats me with respect and takes care to avoid offending me.
5.)We can talk about most anything. Once I came to him with my feelings for him he was very honest and didn't patronize me for my innocence and naivety.
6.)I have never EVER felt desirable before. Somehow this makes me feel like a real woman even knowing that his intentions are shallow.

So with this said, even through several attempts give up on him, I decided to give him one more try and invited him over to watch a movie. To my surprise he agreed right away. (Surprised because usually he gives me the run around about the details before he will say yes or no). We settled down on our incredibly uncomfortable futon to watch the movie and he asks me, "Even though we're just friends, do you want to cuddle? It's like hugging but lasts longer." Of course I agreed and suddenly I was in his arms. It was so glorious to finally have someone hold me after all these years of craving it. For the first few minutes it was a bit awkward because I was unsure of what position to take but once I got settled in it was very relaxing and enjoyable. After the movie we played fun and silly Internet games for awhile. We then watched another movie (more snuggle time!) and this time I was a little more bold. I am surprised by my lack of inhibitions because I always thought that given the opportunity, I would chicken out because I was too nervous or something. I waited for just the right moment and when we were in just the right position I interlocked my fingers with his. I have been wanting to hold his hand for a really long time and decided not to waste an opportunity.

I finally know what it is like from my own experience! It is just as fantastic as I could've imagined and I have a lot of catching up to do. After he left for the evening, I texted him asking if we could cuddle again soon. We will see if it happens. I have to keep myself in check though because I could become easily confused on what all of this means. If he were to change his mind about the whole 'lets just be friends' thing he would let me know. I'm not saying that eventually he will change his mind but if he were ever to do so it will take him awhile. There are so many things that are holding him back which take a long time to overcome. I just need to be patient and honest with myself. I am fully aware that my feelings could get hurt. If other opportunities arise, I will not turn them down. Right now this is what I have to work with and I am just going with it. Yes, I know and will admit that I still have feelings for him. No, I don't expect his feelings to change. I do not expect anything more will develop than a casual, affectionate friendship. I will not cry over spilt milk when he doesn't profess his undying love for me.

I will strive to be the best person I can be, a good friend, someone he can trust and rely upon. I strongly believe and have faith that if it is meant to be, it will eventually work out. I have not given up hope that he may one day fall in love with me and will get his act together. If it is not meant to be, I will take what I have learned from this experience and will move on to someone who can give me everything that I desire and deserve. I have been promised a worthy companion and I look forward to being with him whoever and whenever that may be.

Holidays

2009-01-07T15:19:00.001-08:00

The holidays were really good. I was able to go home for a week. My dad brought my brother down to the MTC so I had a ride home. He then bought me a ticket to fly back to Utah. It was so nice to see everyone and to be at home for Christmas. We had Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve at a friend's house and it was delicious. My contribution included sweet potato pie, rolls and candied yams. I was very proud about how they turned out because I had never made any of the recipes before. I used a Lion House rolls recipe. I think that they tasted better than when I had them at the Lion House in my opinion because they didn't taste underdone. That night we went to abendbrote at a relatives house. This is a German tradition that they started several years ago. The meal consists of several meats, exotic cheeses and breads. It is a tasty time to gather and enjoy each other's company. We also had a small Christmas program with musical performances and a talk about angels. I really enjoyed seeing family I hadn't seen in awhile.

It was probably one of the weirdest Christmas mornings because there weren't any presents to open right when we woke up. We drove over to a friend's house and exchanged a few gifts there. Christmas isn't the same as it used to be and definitely needs to have children around to make it really seem like Christmas. Later, we drove to my sister's house and exchanged gifts there as well. They had tons of snow so that was fun which made it more festive. We had a lot of fun shoveling and being silly.

New Years Eve/Day was just as enjoyable. I went to my cousin's cabin near Park City. The best part is that you have to drive a snowmobile to get to their cabin. I'd never driven one on my own before and it was the most exhilarating experience! We also played monopoly and set off poppers near midnight (we were too tired to stay up till midnight). Holidays are so much better celebrated with family and friends!

It is what it is...

2008-12-10T16:28:00.000-08:00

We had a chat. It was awkward. It was weird. I got it over with. I needed to know what was going on because I was getting ahead of myself by interpreting interactions to mean what I wanted. I'm not one to sit around and wait for something to happen. My mom once told me that when I want something bad enough, I would somehow find a way to get it. I can't sit still when I see a way to accomplish my desires. Unfortunately, because of this, I act a little hasty and do irrational things. I tend to make bold actions partly to make things a little more exciting but also because somehow I see things so black and white and think that it can only be one way or the other. I need people in my life to show me red, yellow and blue. In a way, this is what happened in this instance.

The most impressive thing to come of this was that after bearing my soul with a bunch of romantic infatuations about what could be, he still wants to be friends. I didn't scare him away! It made me so happy because my biggest fear was to never hear from him again. I really enjoy being his friend because we always have a good time together. The more I ponder the situation, the more it makes sense to have things be this way. Additionally, it is very freeing to know where we stand. There are no expectations and no assumptions about what things mean. We can have fun now as there is no pressure for anything besides a friendship. Thank you for always surprising me with unexpected reactions to things I say. Thank you for teaching me patience. Thank you for respecting me and my beliefs. Thank you for not mocking my naivety. Most of all, thank you for your honesty. I really appreciate your friendship!

"And we will put the lonesome on the shelf"

2008-12-02T15:03:00.001-08:00

I've tried to forget about you but I couldn't do it. From the first day I felt there was a connection and cannot let it go without saying something. I'm sharing this because I need to be honest with you and am seeking either closure or progression. I'm a hopeless romantic and it would seem I am attempting to live my life like a Jane Austen novel. There are so many things that I would love to do together so we can get to know each other better. Star gazing. Road trips. Cuddle and hold hands. Continuous late night chats. Learn. Visit natural history museums. Laugh. Go hiking. Teach me how to kiss. Discuss life's passions. Go to the movies. Cook dinner. Be spontaneous. Explore Alaska. Be silly. Try new things. I value your intelligence, motivation to help others, curiosity in the world around you, sense of humor and how you always make boring situations much more interesting. There is so much that I want to do for you. I'm opening up my heart and am hoping that you will respond likewise. Thank you for the laughter, your kindness and friendship.

The Pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T17:47:00.000-08:00

All of my relatives in the Salt Lake area have their separate plans for Thanksgiving so we had a meal on Sunday together as a Pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving. It was enjoyable. We had many of the traditional Thanksgiving foods. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, rolls (Sherri brought yummy rolls made from the Lion House recipe!), relish tray (my contribution though it was more of a veggie tray), sparkling grape juice, fruit salad and of course pumpkin pie. There was the typical drama that is always found in this family but good fun was had by all.

My particularly favorite part was when I was teasing the children. One came up to me and I tickled her to chase her off and her younger cousin followed as she ran off to the other room (where all the married people were sitting) screaming in delight. After a couple times of doing this we (those of us who are single and were attempting to watch a movie) heard a child start to cry in the other room just after they left. For some reason this struck me as extremely funny and I had to laugh one of those really deep laughs. I was finding extreme joy in the fact that they weren't my children that I didn't have to deal with the crying. Sometimes you just have to revel in the fact that you're still single and don't have to deal with certain things just yet!

A Learning Experience

2008-11-25T17:17:00.000-08:00

My last blog was written out of raw negative emotion and was how I felt nearly the entire weekend. I felt that I had to completely move on with my life and forget I ever met him. Many of my friends have been telling me to "play hard to get", to not rush things and to have patience. On Sunday I told one of my friends the entire drama and I thought she was going to tell me to move on and forget the jerk. That I was better than that and needed someone who would treat me right. What she did say surprised me. She told me I needed to have patience, to be his friend and to not expect everything to happen right away. It made me realize that, once again I was being much too rash. When I get emotional I see things as so cut and dry and don't realize that I'm being irrational. Once she said that I felt much better. I was so ready to move on and forget about him because it hurt so much but deep down I didn't want to move on and forget about him. I want to get to know him better and to do that I had to forgive him. I don't believe he intentionally meant to hurt my feelings by not calling and it wasn't like we had firm plans to do something specific. Once I let go and forgave him the anger was gone and then magically the pain went away. It was almost instantaneous! I felt like I had received an epiphany. I have been taught this stuff my whole life but it doesn't mean anything until I actually do it! I know that he at least likes me as a friend so I can be his friend and I don't have to obsess over whether he likes me or not. I am truly okay with just being his friend. Friendships can lead to romantic relationships but if it doesn't happen like that, I can honestly say I'm okay with this. I have faith that things will work out how they should. That is the wonderful thing about relying upon the Lord for the things that you need. He will always allow what is best for you to happen as long as you are doing what you should to allow it to happen!

I'm not going to become a statistic.

2008-11-22T09:48:00.000-08:00

I've finally had enough. All week I was freaking out because he hadn't called and wasn't answering any of my texts. I shouldn't have freaked out but I did. I finally got to the point that I was so tired of my stomach in knots wishing for some sort of contact that I decided to completely write him off and delete his number from my phone. I was so ready to move on and try to not think about him. Less than two hours after I delete him from my phone, he calls. I wasn't as relieved as I thought I'd be if he ever called. I was still upset and he seemed to find it amusing (My text: Hey. What's up? I haven't heard from you lately) and saw right through my intentions of making the text seem casual. Of course I was unable to tell him how upset I was when he asked me why the "pouty" text. I tried to change the subject as I was taken off guard by the question but he wouldn't let me get out of it and I told him that I thought he had disowned me or something. (It seems there was more to it than that but I tend to block out confrontation even if it was fairly lighthearted) He told me that he had been out of town babysitting his nephews for a couple of days and his phone had died. A completely reasonable and logical explanation. Why do I have to always overreact? After talking with him, it helped relieve my anxiety and I realized how foolish I had been. I'm so willing to believe all these extremes and not the logical. I asked if he had plans this weekend and amongst his plans he mentioned that he wasn't doing anything that day (Thursday) or Sunday. After talking about a couple of other things, he mentioned again how he was free those same two days. Now to me this seemed like an invitation but I didn't say anything because I wanted him to ask me. After the second time he said it however I felt like he was fishing for an invite and I'm not one to let an opportunity go by especially when I hadn't seen him in a week. We made loose plans to go play pool and I was to call him back with details later. I may have mentioned before but yet again he was being wishy washy about a firm commitment. When I called him back he backed out because he wanted to go weight lifting with some guy friends. He then suggested that we do something on Friday (was thinking at the latest the afternoon as we both had other plans in the evening) and that he would call. I was okay with this because I had to get some stuff done that I hadn't gotten around to and wanted to have more time to prepare myself to see him.

Friday came and dragged on. I kept myself busy but I was still anticipating his call. I hate waiting around for people to call. It was almost noon and he still hadn't called and so I went out to lunch with my cousin, K. After lunch we went to a cooking store and it was nearly 2:00 when I asked him to take me back home because I needed to make a phone call. I was tired of waiting around for him to call. I called, he didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. It rang a hundred times so I knew that his phone was on. I suppose he was just avoiding me. I thought girls were supposed to play the games! There are so many things that I want to tell him but don't want to do it over the phone. He never called me and it makes me more angry the more I think about it.

The sad thing about the timing of his so called friendship was Friday night I went to see the new movie, "Twilight". I couldn't even be excited while I was waiting in line because I was festering over a stupid boy. Luckily once the movie began I was able to put off thinking about how stupid I had been for allowing myself to care for him again and enjoy myself. I had just finished the second book that afternoon and was so excited to see the characters come to life. Their love for each other is so beautiful and it made me happy and sad all at the same time. (Side note: I'm pretty sure they showed a shot of Multnomah Falls which is in Oregon and not even near the town of Forks, WA where the movie takes place)

Fast forward to this morning. First of all, last night I was ready to call him up and tell him exactly how I feel. Rip it off like a bandaid. Tell him everything from how much I like him to how much it hurts when he says he'll call and doesn't. I figured if it freaked him out then at least I could be done with the whole thing and not have to be strung along hoping and waiting for a return of affection. I needed to sleep on it though so I wasn't speaking out of tiredness and I waited until this morning. I needed some strength and time to think in peace so I went for a walk to watch the sun come over the mountain. There is this nice path near my house with a bench at the top of a scenic overlook. It was a little bit chilly but there was a warmth to the sun once it came over the mountain. After thinking about it I decided to take the coward's way out and text him. I knew that if I called I'd buckle under pressure and act like I wasn't mad at all. If he didn't answer, I'd end up leaving a long emotional message that I'd regret later because I'd wish that I said it to him in person. I tried to be casual again. "How come you never called me yesterday?" His reply, "Sorry I got busy. You've seen twilight now" Me: "Yeah, don't worry. I won't ruin it for you. I hate it when people do that to me. Or when they don't call when they say they will :-)" [a smiley face was added to soften whatever blow may have been interpreted. Apparently I have no backbone] Him: "You'll get over it :)" Me: "True. I am pretty pathetic and forgive too easily." Then nothing. I am so angry that he didn't even seem to care that I was mad. It's hard to tell what people mean in a text so I should have called. Why don't I have enough backbone to tell him how I really feel?!?

That was enough for me. I deleted his number, again. I'm too weak to not call him. I need him to make more of an effort. I need someone who is dependable and won't disappoint me. I need someone who is committed. Someone who will do anything to be with me. That part is just a fantasy at this point which is ridiculous because it shouldn't be that hard. I need someone who will care enough to give me a phone call when they say they will! It's not that hard! If not a phone call then a text saying that he ran out of time and we'll have to do something another day. I need someone who is honest with me and that I can trust. I will not become another statistic! A woman who is so desperate for attention that she will take him back every time no matter how much he abuses her. I always promised that wouldn't be me and I'm totally doing it now! I'm much too smart, independent and strong for that. I will not allow him to control my feelings! I really felt like we have a connection but he is going to have to make some effort here! I'm a very giving, loving person and so willing to try and give him what he needs. I'm determined to tell him everything but am glad that I deleted his number so that it gives me time to think about it. If he never calls, so be it. I'm tired of chasing him down and wasting my emotions on someone who doesn't deserve me. I'm worth a whole lot more than that!

This blog is NOT about you

2008-11-18T09:05:00.001-08:00

I'm not one to wait around for a phone call. If I want to do something, I make it happen. I hate waiting for people. I like having control over my life. I wouldn't have done nearly as many of the exciting things that I've done if I had to wait around for someone to do them with.

The past couple of weeks it was so nice to have other feelings take place of those former feelings of loneliness, abandonment and sadness. It was exciting to be able to dream of what could be and to think that I might not have to spend this life alone after all. Such things may still be within my grasp but I get discouraged easily and so I allow doubt to settle in when I haven't heard from a certain someone in over five days. I've been waiting so long for a true relationship with a nice young man that I have run out of patience to wait even a few days. I ask myself questions like, "What if I have been imagining the entire thing?" "What if I've been reading way too far into this?" "What if I'm trying to hold onto something that really isn't what I'm looking for but is the closest I've gotten and don't want to let it go?"

I don't want to smother even a semblance of a relationship by being too obsessive and contacting him all the time so I sit here and wait. Actually I'm not just sitting, I'm attempting to go on as I did before. Finding things to keep busy and trying not to mope. It doesn't seem to be helping though. I was cranky with my roommate this morning. After I apologized she knew right away what was wrong so gave me a hug. A few tears rolled down my cheek. I was so determined to not let the emotions get the better of me but I had failed. I didn't realize how stressed out I was over this. I get so worked up over something that really hasn't even begun. So what if I went out with him twice last week?! Does that really mean anything? Maybe he hangs out and flirts with lots of girls. I just wish that I could know for certain what his real intentions are so that I could move on with my life instead of being in between not knowing what to do with this one sided information.

My apparent affect on men

2008-11-14T18:43:00.000-08:00

When we had been spending so much time together at work I was surprised that no one had said anything about it to me. The other day however I saw a woman with whom we had both worked and I hadn't seen in over a week. I didn't even bring it up yet she asked me how he was doing. I'm sure I had a huge grin on my face and said that he was doing good. She said to say hi to him for her and when I did he asked me why she would think to ask me to say hi to him. I replied that we were only glued at the hip nearly every day and that everyone noticed that we were always together.

The next day I ended up eating lunch with her and commented about this. We were laughing about how men can be dense sometimes. I then commented to her and this other gal that had also worked with us that I always wondered if people said anything about us always being together. The other gal said that people definitely spoke about noticing a change in him. Curious, I asked for more details. We started work together on a Monday but didn't sit next to each other until Thursday. Apparently everyone thought he was over stressed, uptight and bossy until we sat together. She said that after that everyone noticed he was nicer, more relaxed and less cranky. I hadn't noticed any of this. I just knew that we had had a good time chatting and laughing. Needless to say I was delighted to hear this. I then told both of them that we had kept in touch and had gone out on Monday.

Today at work, my other friend overheard this same gal talking about me to the woman who was our lead (the one who saw that we got along really well together and was kind enough to schedule our breaks together when she could) and told her that we were dating! The lead later came and told me she heard rumors that we were dating. I told her that we had only gone out twice so we weren't technically in the "dating" category but it seemed like it was going in that direction. I also thanked her for scheduling our breaks together. It is so much fun being the topic of good gossip! I really do love the attention!

Two Date Details

2008-11-14T18:11:00.000-08:00

My life is actually exciting for a change! I didn't expect to hear from him until at least the middle of this week. Well on Monday he called and asked if I was working on Tuesday because he wanted to invite me to go to a late movie. I didn't work as it was Veteran's Day and was very excited that he called so soon to do something. We met a little early to play pool but there weren't any tables open so we just chatted until the movie started. His friend met us there with his girlfriend and I'm usually nervous around meeting new people and am less talkative but I hit it off really well with the girlfriend so we were able to chat while the guys were catching up and having guy talk. It was a lot of fun and I love that he likes to make comments throughout the movie just like I do. We were making fun of the drunk people in front of us (at Brewvies you can order food & beer) and the guy snoring on the couch behind us. Afterwards we parted with a hug and that was that. The next couple of days we texted each other quite a bit. It is so much fun flirting though a text because you have time to think of a clever response!

On Thursday, my roommate was having a b-day party with a bunch of her friends and so my other roommate encouraged me to invite him to come. I asked him if he could do me a favor as I needed a date for the dinner. He said yes and so I was able to go out with him last night as well! It was a much better experience for me because there was a lot more time to talk and neither of us knew most of the people at the party very well. Also, we rode in the same car this time so there was even more time to chat. During the dinner we ended up sitting next to my roommate's younger sister and her boyfriend (she's still in high school). We kept mostly to ourselves as I don't know her that well which was fine by me because I am really comfortable being around him. He likes to make up games on the spot. Last night we went back and forth naming movies certain actors were in until one of us couldn't remember any more movies and we'd name a new actor. When he discovered that I majored in Geography the game developed into naming countries on certain continents. I'm happy to report that I did much better at that game. After we left the restaurant, we drove back to where he left his truck and sat in the car and talked for over an hour. I was really enjoying his company and didn't want him to leave so I kept asking him questions to keep him talking. Finally he asked me if I worked in the morning and after saying 'yes' he replied that he had to leave. I didn't even know how late it was and I didn't care. I asked what time it was and it was 10:15! "Give me a squish". It was the best hug ever! The best part about it was that it wasn't your standard 3 second hug. It was much longer. Afterwards he said how much he likes squishes and then he left.

OH it was so wonderful! The whole time he was talking to me I wanted there to be a goodbye kiss but I'm happy enough with a good hug. I need things to move slowly so that I can sort it out in my head as it progresses. I didn't end up going to bed until midnight because when I got home I had to fill in my roommates with all the details. I am definitely tired today but it doesn't seem to matter as much because I have someone to think about to distract me from it. Life is fantastic right now!

Introduction (which happens to be in the middle)

2008-11-09T16:54:00.000-08:00

If you are reading this, I must have piqued your curiosity. The entries about you begin with "Ambiguity" and finish with "And we will put the lonesome on the shelf" (leaving out "Pre-Thanksgiving"). I figure that you will find it at the very least amusing but have come up with other likely scenarios (which you may also get a good chuckle out of since I did, just writing them!:)

You freak out and put out a restraining order on me
You share it with your friends and/or have a good laugh and I never hear from you again.
You feel the same way but have been too scared to admit it or do anything about it because you're afraid of commitment and being hurt.
You are the master of leading girls on and only ever wanted to be friends in the first place so I was a fool for even playing into your little games.
You call me immediately after you read the blog as you realize how foolish you have been to not appreciate my awesomeness to the fullest extent (this one is my favorite)

So, grab a bowl of popcorn or [insert favorite munchie here] and hopefully you are willing to take a chance on me.

I'm not giving you that kind of power over me...

2008-11-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

Since when did I depend on someone else for my happiness? Never a good idea. Happiness has to come from within. SO....I decided to stop obsessing and just live my life. I was content to spend the evening alone. I went and bought groceries, made cookies and caught up on all my shows on DVR. (I can't believe they killed Jim! I will be honest, I cried a little.) It was so nice to have a night to relax and to not worry about getting up early. It has been over two weeks since I have had the chance to sleep in! I had a good time tonight and I was so glad that I didn't sit around moping about not knowing when I'll see him again. I can't promise that I'll stop thinking about him less but I'm definitely not going to put my life on hold waiting for him to call or text. I don't want to turn into a cliche'. It's probably too late for that. I suppose I don't want to get too excited for something that may not work out. When I want something, I want it now and I need to learn to slow down and just wait for it to happen. I mostly want to see him again so I can get to know him better. I want to see if there really is something here. Wow, so much for not obsessing. I am still obsessing. There is just so much to analyze and figure out. I was chatting with an acquaintence a couple of days ago and she said something that has stuck with me. Why do men have so much power over us to make us happy? I admit that I have allowed him to make me feel a certain way. It's so nice to feel appreciated. It really boosts your confidence. If I allow this to consume me I will be unhappy when I don't receive the affection that I have grown to enjoy. I am confident that I can still be happy in my own little world where I entertain myself. I don't have to own cats to keep me company when I have come to terms that the world of men has failed me. I have other friends and other activities which keep me busy. It is, however, so much fun to imagine something real developing. I get carried away and excited when I receive something as small as a text message. Does it really mean anything? I have been driving myself crazy because I really don't know. I know what I want and what I assume but I have learned that assuming is very dangerous. I wish that I knew when I would see him again because I think that I would feel more settled. It could be something to focus on and to look forward to. Something more definite than "lets hang out sometime". I don't want to just hang out with him. I want to date him. I'm too old to just be friends. My favorite Becky quote, "Girls don't want boy friends they want boyfriends!" I'll have to wait just a little bit longer for that.

The Bravery

2008-11-05T18:30:00.000-08:00

Things didn't go exactly how I had wanted them to but better than I expected. It was really busy on Monday so I didn't get a good chance to talk. We were separated most of the day and it's not exactly an easy conversation to have when there are hundreds of other people around. Things were stressful and hectic and we were all on edge. At the end of the day the best I could get out before he left was, "Am I ever going to see you again?" His reply, "If you give me your number." So he programed my number into his phone and that was that. I liked the idea that he didn't give me his number because it meant the ball was in his court and if he was interested he would call. I wouldn't have to feel like I was the only one making the effort to keep in touch.

I was a bit sad because I'd been seeing him at work everyday and still don't know when I'll see him next. I didn't know if he would call and didn't figure that he would for at least a few days. I especially didn't expect him to contact me on Tuesday given the fact that it was election day and I figured that it would be super busy. I had my phone off the whole day but when I turned it on after work at 8:00 pm I had gotten a text from him! I was elated. Basically it said that he had a great time working with me and how it was really slow at his poll location. It made me happy because it meant he was bored and was thinking of me! At our early voting location we were always entertaining each other playing little games or thinking of clever things to talk about. I'm probably reading way too far into it but it is fun to have something exciting to think about. I'm not sure what the next step will be but am excited to find out how it will go!

torment

2008-11-02T14:27:00.000-08:00

I'm torn between two feelings. The desire to have something so wonderful as love and the fear of being rejected. I get myself so wrapped up emotionally that it puts me in knots. To have someone to love just seems so contrary to my usual reasoning that the idea of it being a possibility is quite unbearable. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back to sleep. I begin thinking and it wakes me up beyond any hope of falling back to sleep. Depending on what time it is, I can possibly fall back asleep but it's not a very restful sleep. I'm not an early riser and so it's definitely not normal for me to wake up just after 5:00 in the morning and be okay with it. I've NEVER been one to get an average of 6 hours of sleep and not be cranky. Especially if I work many long hours. I was actually in a really cheerful mood the other day after a really long day at work. Becky if you're reading this you know that something is askew! Eating has also taken on a whole new meaning. Those who know me, know that I LOVE to eat my feelings. Lately, I can't even bother myself much with the effort. I'm hungry but I've never, not had an appetite for such a long period of time. I eat to live instead of living to eat.

I know the cowards way out. It would be so easy to give up on him and not say anything. I could go on living my life exactly how I'm used to living it. I'm used to being alone. I know how to deal with lonely. It's uncomfortable and sad but I know how to deal with it. I can entertain myself and don't have to try to please someone else. I'm okay with going to the movies or long drives by myself. Pretty soon I'll be collecting cats trying to convince myself that I'm happy. I'm well on my way, what with baking and quilting as my two of my favorite hobbies. That is how I feel my life will turn out sometimes. I know that it won't be like that but mostly because I hate cats and I need people too much.

There is one day left to figure out if I've been played this last week or if there is something more there. I want more but would be okay with being friends, for now. It would be nice to get to know him beyond the work personality. I admit that I rush into feeling some things that could be forfeit once I get to know him better. It's happened before. This time somehow it seems different.

AMBIGUITY

2008-10-27T17:59:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard to tell someone how I feel? A cynic may say that knowing someone for such a short period of time cannot warrant such feelings. When you are waiting for so long for someones company to enjoy it is so refreshing when you finally find it. How do you know if you really like him or you are just really enjoying the attention? We do have a lot in common and I really enjoy being around him. He is very patient and helpful. The more I get to know him, the more attractive he becomes to me. He touches my elbow, shoulder, arm etc. and I have to admit I find excuses to touch him as well. We sit close to each other at our work stations and with us all jammed in there our arms are bound to touch right? He is funny and makes an effort to get me to smile. Our supervisor noticed that we got along really well so she has begun scheduling our breaks & lunch together. It is complete bliss because we can have nearly uninterrupted conversation about silly things like what we did at recess when we were kids or embarrassing stories. I really like looking into his eyes when we talk. I'm usually not comfortable doing that but somehow with him I find it quite comfortable.
The bigger question is how do you know if he likes you back? There are always those subtle things that he says but guys aren't known for being that ambiguous. What they tell you is what they mean, right? That's what I've been told anyway. Girls are the ones who read into it and try to figure it out what he really meant when he really just meant what he said. Here I am being the one who is trying to read into everything when I'm probably just 'the fun girl' to chat with during the slow times.
I am definitely the least experienced at this but somehow I'm going to have to ask him flat out if I want to take it a step further. I'm not one to wait around to let things happen when I want them to happen (I'm much like my mother in that respect. She could never sit still when there was something to be done.) This sounds so high school because you'd think at 29 I'd have better ideas or not be so aprehensive about simply asking someone out. I've been thinking of the following sentence: "So are you going to ask me out or am I going to have to do the asking?" It just sounds like something I'd say because it's blunt and raw with a bit of humor.

What do you think? Any good advice on the subject would be greatly appreciated! My goal is to somehow say something by the end of the week. More updates later!

My bedroom!

2008-10-10T08:20:00.000-07:00

This is the dresser I put together all by myself
I love finally having a sewing area!
Still saving up for a real bed
The orchid ties it all together

Make Your Own Adventure

2008-10-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

I did some pretty fun things this week. On Monday I put together my IKEA dresser. It was great fun because it had so many parts and the directions were fairly easy to read. Because it's a Swedish company that sells furniture all over the world the directions are pictures instead of words. (there are some pretty funny drawings which are supposed to show you to be careful with the product) It takes some careful observations to figure out some of the instructions. After I had it all put together there were a couple of things that I noticed that were backwards but it was too late to change them. Its not one of those things you can dismantle once you're done putting it together. I felt pretty smart though because instead of paying the regular $99 that it costs, I found the dresser in the 'as is' section with a defect on it and it only cost $19. I was going to get a smaller one because of the high price but when I found this one which was the size I wanted I was really excited. After debating with myself about exactly where the damage was on the product (it's hard to tell when it's dismantled in a box and only one corner is exposed so you can see the damage) I decided it had to be worth the 75% discount. I lucked out because the damage is on the bottom corner and could easily be hidden if you were to place that side against the wall. Needless to say I am very proud of my new dresser as I have literally been living out of my suitcase for over a year!

On Wednesday I decided to master the art of sticky buns. I tried an experimental recipe where I made up the parts by myself and then I tried a recipe for caramel pecan sticky buns. In the first recipe I used a Cinnabun cinnamon rolls recipe combined with a caramel recipe for caramel popcorn. The caramel ended up being too heavy and the rolls were too gooey in the middle but it still tasted pretty good. The other recipe (that was made how it was supposed to) ended up being extremely fantastic. It was basically like eating candy. I was going to get pictures but I always forget to get pictures and of course the sticky buns are long gone.

I've included the link below for those whose mouths are now watering and want to try it. It is an all day project so make sure you have plenty of time. I decided to try bread flour instead of regular flour and I think it definitely helped. I forgot to add the second egg and the only thing that I could see that may have affected it is that I had to let the dough rise a lot longer than the recipe. When you let the dough rise make sure it is double instead of just waiting the 1 1/2 hours that is says in the recipe. I know this stuff is obvious for some of you but I figured I'd give you the tips that I have learned (I usually am too impatient to let it rise long enough and then they don't turn out very good) over the years so you can have more successful sticky buns. It's definitely a recipe that I want to become a tradition!

http://www.globalgourmet.com/food/special/1999/american_home/buns.html

Thursday I took a group of senior citizens to Logan for a few hours. We went first to this honey store which sells local honey products. Because I was the driver they gave me a free bag of honey popcorn which is delicious. I'm always much more happy with food! We then visited the cheese factory and I was excited about this because I haven't been in forever and LOVE the squeaky cheese samples. We went to lunch at the Golden Coral which was nice because they invited me to eat with them. This one woman from the group took me under her wing and I had someone to sit by. Sometimes it can be awkward as a driver because you have to eat in the corner or separate from the group. They were more than welcoming and were happy to have me eat with them. After lunch we visited the cookie factory which wasn't so much visiting the cookie factory as it was going to the outlet store and buying cookies. It was Pepperidge farm and I just love their soft baked oatmeal raisin cookies. They sell them in bags of 8 cookies and are generally around $3-4 but at their outlet store the bags were only $1.55! The popular item was the Milano cookies and were sold out after we left. I don't particularly care for them but others seem to really love them. They were so kind as to give me a free box of cookies as the driver so I brought those home to share with my roommates. (They were the crunchy kind which I don't really like). Ironically enough, though all of the rest of my food disappears, this box is still sitting on the counter with cookies in it. We finished off the day with a trip to a Caspers ice cream shop which is the place where they invented the FatBoy ice cream sandwiches. The ice cream was decent but I wouldn't recommend making a special trip as it was pretty average.

Friday I pulled out my sewing machine and I decided to experiment. Don't be afraid this where exciting things happen! I made a hot pad out of scraps from my last quilt. It turned out okay but I'm not sure how well it works. I put double batting in it but haven't had a chance to try it out yet. General conference was fantastic and for the first Saturday session I went to the institute building as they were hosting a breakfast. I met a couple more people from my ward which was really good for me. Plus it was easier to focus on the talks than it is at home when people are chatting. Between sessions I drove up to Alta ski resort which I think is up Little Cottonwood Canyon. The colors were amazing and at the very top it was snowing. This weekend pretty much officially closed summer as it rained most of the time and it was much cooler. I do believe that all of the leaves will start changing. On Sunday I went to the Clarks and spent the whole day watching conference and hanging out. K got me hooked on this show called The Unit and we also watched this other bit from something else called Dr. Horrible's sing along blog. It has Neil Patrick Harris in it and it was really crazy funny. I sure do like having a lot of free time!

I want you to know my name

2008-09-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

I'm lonely yet I really hate trying to meet new people. It comes down to just forcing myself to go to activities. Tonight it was ward prayer. It's a start but its so hard talking to people who all seem to know each other. I did have a bit of small talk with a couple of guys but there is something so lacking in small talk. It's awkward. It's uncomfortable. It goes absolutely nowhere. I yearn for a deep rooted conversation that lasts for maybe a few hours where we talk about everything from childhood memories, fears, and hopes for the future. It is so hard to get that quality conversation from people you just met. I need to think of things to talk about with strangers besides school, what we each do for a living and the weather. You'd think I'd have this down to a science as I've been in awkward new phases most of my life but being in new places generally makes me feel like drawing in my shell. I'm getting better at it but that doesn't make it any easier.
When I was new in college, I always wanted to go out and do something fun with a bunch of friends. Now, I prefer to stay at home alone. Sometimes I crave it. I have come to realize though that this is only good for so long. After awhile I start to feel sorry for myself and draw inward.
I feel so much better about life when there is someone to talk to, even if it is about petty things. It is so therapeutic to have someone there that cares about you. Each moment I get this opportunity, I cherish it as the moment is fleeting. Everyone has their own agenda and separate lives. It's times like these that I need someone to share my life with. Someone that will always be there for me. I've had friends that have filled this void but it has always been temporary. People go home, move away, get married, and lose touch. I have never had someone that was just for me and it makes me sad. I get by okay on my own. I am making the best of each situation. I try to be tough and handle things alone but some days it would be so much better to have someone to share the load with. I'm a sensitive person and can only be tough for so long until I burst into tears.
This past week I worked many long hours and didn't realize how much it was stressing me out until I saw that my feet were bloated (maybe that was from all the hours sitting in the driver's seat) and I was being short with people for simple things. I finally realized how much it was getting to me when yesterday, a co-worker asked if she had offended me and tears started to well up. When the emotion builds and someone finally cares enough to ask about me I release the tension by crying. She felt bad and gave me a hug and I was so embarrassed because I never even met her before yesterday but it was nice to know that someone cared.
I want people to want to talk with me. I want to share adventures. I want people to know my name.

Setras, Vanhools and Airports oh my!

2008-08-29T16:02:00.000-07:00

I obtained two jobs this week with a potential third job. It's funny how the teaching thing didn't work out but I'm not really too upset by it. If its not meant to be then its not meant to be. The first job I got was at Utah Trailways driving motorcoaches. I can't believe that I'm doing it again but I'm really excited about it. They do charter stuff but they also do a daily run to Wendover for the gamblers. It'll be nice to get tips again. I met the Ops Manager and also the owner who were really nice and seemed down to earth. Sometimes those bus people are kinda scary. Right now I'm working on getting my MVR from Alaska as well as my D.O.T. medical card updated. Yeah! The next step will be changing my license back over to a Utah CDL. Joyous fun! Their coaches are really nice (none are older than 2003) and the pay is okay. Unfortunately they don't offer benefits nor regular stable hours so this job will continue to be part time until I find a job with benefits...

Which leads to job #2. This is for a company called Meetings America. They're a destinations management company. I'll be doing a variety of things for them but a lot of it is somewhat similar to what my company in Alaska did. I start on Saturday and will be a hotel greeter passing out key packets. I am also on the schedule to meet people at the airport on another day. There are a great variety of things that I could do for this company and it will be fun to stay in the tourist industry. This job is mostly on-call as they have a great need through October but supposedly will drop off after that. This leads us to potential job #3

TSA. Yeah that's right, I've applied to become a security screener at the airport. I went to a job fair on Tuesday and they had a booth. Apparently not that many females apply so I have a pretty good chance of getting the job. What attracted me to this position is that they are only hiring part time but offer full time benefits for part timers at the same cost. So I figure a few boring days screening people at the airport would be worth it to still keep the more "fun" jobs that don't offer benefits.

If all else fails I might apply to work for the UTA driving city bus. I don't know why I didn't do that at first but I thought that I'd be able to get a more "stable" job. Everyone who talks about it says that it is fun. I just can't imagine myself driving in circles everyday and being okay with it. I need more stimulation than that. I'm hoping with three different jobs I'll get a little bit of variety and not be bored with my job. Plus I want to be able to quickly pay of my credit card debt so I can save up and buy more exciting things with my money besides root canals!

Utah

2008-08-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

I am in Utah now. Never thought I'd be back here. It is good and I know it was the right move for me, I just don't know exactly where to go from here. I did have an interview on Monday but even if they do hire me it won't be for a full time position as they only have substitute positions available. Back to square one.

Today was really good. My brother's family was down visiting my sister-in-law's family and came by to visit. I love seeing my niece and nephew. They are so cute. I love playing with them. They are so well mannered most of the time and very smart. We all had a good visit and I will miss them greatly as they live in Seattle and don't know when I'll get to see them next. I sure do love my family

teacher

2008-07-09T17:16:00.000-07:00

I got accepted into the ARL program!!! I'm so excited for this next chapter in my life! It will definitely be a challenge but that is what I thrive on. Teaching seems it will give me the flexibility and independence that I crave. I like being in charge and helping others to learn. I find that I'm always desiring to help the new guy with problems because I know what it is like to have no idea what is going on and needing help. Granted this is totally different in a high school classroom setting as not everyone wants to be there and learn. My goal is to make it exciting and interesting as well as informational. Maybe that is my naive way of looking at it but I'm willing to give it a try. It also sounds like the first "mistake" that new teachers make that experienced teachers would put on a list of common first year misconceptions. The next step is to be able to obtain a teaching position. Please pray for me!

Root Canal

2008-06-17T16:58:00.000-07:00

Tooth pain=root canal needed. YUCK! I don't even care about the pain in my head more by the pain in my wallet. $2500! One of these days I'll get a real job so I can get out of debt! It is really frustrating not making enough so that I can pay off my credit card and still live at the same time. One day I will be able to do it.

On the bright side, the sun has been out and it has been quite warm lately. Too bad I have to get up at 5:00 in the morning so when I get off work I'm too tired to go out and enjoy it. I need to stop making excuses and just go for a stroll in the park or run through the sprinklers. Things were just so carefree as a kid!

I didn't know what a root canal really was so here's some information about it from colgate.com

Root Canal Treatment From Start to Finish
1. A Deep Infection
Root canal treatment is needed when the tooth's root becomes infected or inflamed through injury or advanced decay.
2. A Route to the Root
The tooth is anesthetized. An opening is made through the crown of the tooth to the pulp chamber.
3. Removing the Infected/Inflamed Tissue
Special files are used to clean the infection and unhealthy pulp out of the canals. Irrigation is used to help clean the main canal (called lateral canals).
4. Filling the Canals
The canals are filled with a permanent material, often gutta-percha. This helps to keep the canals free of infection or contamination.
5. Rebuilding the Tooth
A temporary filling material is placed on top of the gutta-percha to seal the opening until the tooth is ready to be prepared for a crown. A crown, sometimes called a cap, is made to look like a natural tooth, and is placed on top.
6. Extra Support
In some cases, a post is placed to give the crown extra support.
7. The Crowning Touch
The crown is cemented into place.
©2002-2005 Aetna, Inc. All rights reserved.
Reviewed by the faculty of Columbia University College of Dental Medicine

my 15 mo old nephew is smarter than me

2008-06-12T15:36:00.000-07:00

Kids cease to amaze me. When I was at my dad's house over Memorial weekend, I got to visit with the fam. "Guy" has been teething and while at church would motion for his mother to put his pacifier in the drinking fountain to wet it. The only thing we could figure is that the water soothed his mouth.

Fast forward to this week. I've been putting off going to the dentist as I don't have insurance and it is very expensive without. Now the tooth in question has gotten really bad and this past week has been giving me excrutiating pain, especially when I eat. One must eat to not pass out and so after attempting to eat lunch I couldn't finish my meal because the pain was too strong. This is the part where I realized my nephew is smarter than me. I got back to my desk after lunch and took a drink from my water bottle. Though temporary, the pain was instantly gone! It took me a few minutes but realized that this is what my nephew was doing to get rid of his mouth pain! After that I would take occasional sips and the intense pain would subside for a little bit till my pain meds would kick in. Thus, my 15 mo old nephew is smarter than me!

playdoh and other nonsensible things

2008-05-26T07:24:00.000-07:00

This weekend was...interesting. Actually it was quite the same as all our family gatherings. Sit around talking or making food. We don't actually DO anything. I think that we make excuses of why we can't or don't do stuff and then we just sit around being bored. I'm surprized that my family hasn't officially died of boredom because I have. Unfortunately, I've been trained into thinking that someone has to do the entertaining for me and so I sit around waiting for something to happen instead of taking action. Slowly I'm learning that I have to be proactive and make plans or else I will waste away to this nothingness blob that clearly doesn't make me happy. My family seems to be a bunch of self-entertainers. One person is off reading a book, another is watching a movie and yet another will be playing on the computer. I seems sad really that we came to dad's house to be together and we aren't really doing much together. I'm much more happy when I'm involved doing things with others. I get too lonely doing things by myself. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy doing things on my own and having that independence but I have this inner need to be around others and interact with them.

There were a few highlights to the weekend however that didn't make it a total bomb. I had a great time with "Cinderella" and we played together for a great portion of the weekend. It is easy to become disinterested in many three year old activities but the benefits to this is that three year olds have a really short attention span so as soon as she was distracted by something else it was easy to move on to something new.

last weekend

2008-04-28T15:11:00.000-07:00

Life is so much more better when you make plans. Even if your plans don't turn out, something else does. Why the heck do I continue to expect others to entertain me? I'm probably just lazy. It would help if I had my own friends to do stuff with. It would also help to have money to do the things I like to do. I have lots of friends but they all live somewhere else. Why did I move here? I seems I shot myself in the foot by doing so. Its tiring making new friends wherever I go. For some reason it takes me a long time to make new friends because I'm shy around new people. It is hard to get to know people when you just hang out in big groups and it doesn't matter whether or not you're there. I get to the point where I don't really care to get to know people and that introverted behavior scares me because it is extremely selfish.

Slightly changing topics:

My new plans include wanting to move somewhere that I can actually use my degree and experience. Travel and tourism. It is so exciting that I can't imagine why I thought I'd find some boring desk job to be even slightly as interesting. Granted there could be a lot of things better than working at a call center that may entertain me as well as a travel and tourism job but I haven't found anything that would give me the same satisfaction that I had at my job at Grayline of Alaska. I guess I'll just have to keep looking. I love the idea of being flexible and not being tied down to any one place but at the same time that is why I have a hard time forming attachments to people. I don't stay long enough to form real lasting relationships. It's almost as if I move around a lot as my excuse for why I don't keep close friends. Or maybe its because I'm trying to avoid people. Or maybe it's got nothing at all to do with that and I just want to experience life to its fullest by having a variety of experiences. It would be nice however to have someone consistent to share those expriences with.

getting used to a new job

2008-04-23T16:30:00.000-07:00

So okay. training is the easy part. Actually doing it is the hard part. I thought that maybe I was just stupid or emotionally unstable but no, i'm just new. (ok so maybe I am emotionally unstable but at least that comes and goes and isn't an every day thing!) The more I learn the better it seems to get so at the very least it is bareable. I don't want to work in a call center for the rest of my life so I'm still looking for full time career opportunities. Luckily this is only a temp job so I still have some flexibility. That may be the only thing that will keep me going to work day in and day out. It makes me wonder how people are able to stay in a job that they absolutely hate for their whole life. What is the point when you spend most of your time there?

I love working in the tourism industry but there really isn't a market for it in the city I live. Why did I move here? It seemed like a good idea at the time. Cheap rent. Close to family. Out of the freezing cold Alaska. It has proven to be more difficult than I expected but has been a really good growing experience for me. I rethink my life plan quite often but haven't come up with any pleasing results yet. I finally realized that maybe what I want isn't going to be handed to me (especially when I don't really know what it is that I want!), I have to go get it for myself. It can be really frustrating when it seems I may have to start all over again.....