Despondency

I'm tired of being alone and feeling as if life is passing me by. It seems to be an insurmountable obstacle that is impossible for me to overcome. I look at others my age who have become married and now have 2.5 + kids and I ponder the meaning of me being stuck in this age of nothingness. I don't fit in anywhere. I still sit at the kids table during large family gatherings. Do you realize how humiliating that is? I'm no longer college aged and I'm too old for the singles ward. Today I considered going back to the family ward and when I was forced to introduce myself in front of everybody I'd tell them I was there because I flunked out of the singles ward. It is embarrassing to admit that at my age. It would be my attempt to make a joke to try and help myself feel better about the situation but would just make me want to go home and cry myself to sleep.

There are two things that don't receive that I believe every girl needs. These are things that I need on a daily basis that are not fulfilling enough when they come from a mere acquaintance. I need to be held and I need someone to talk to about nothing and everything. These things must come from someone who is permanent for them to have a lasting effect. To be loved and cared for is all I ask. I would sacrifice anything to make him happy if it meant we could be together forever. I've tried using substitutes to fulfill these needs but it only leaves me feeling more empty inside when I cannot keep his attention that I am so desperate for. It seems there is nothing I can do and I feel helpless with this lack of control.

How do I find him when there are so many distractions? I would walk to the other side of the earth if I knew he was there waiting for me. This is how desperate I feel to gain his attention and affections. Where is my faith? Do I need some hard evidence to know that he is out there? He must be out there somewhere. This thought gives me hope but I struggle, waiting for my needs to be met. As the years pass and these needs remain unfulfilled what kind of lasting effect will this have on me? Thinking about how miserable I am without him must be juxtaposed with incomprehensible joy when I finally get to be with him. All will be right with the world no matter what trials we face. I will finally get the chance to love someone who loves me back. There is nothing else that I want more in this life. Nothing.